Every night a doctor stops off at his local pub and has the same drink – an almond daiquiri.
One night he drops in and the barman, Dick, sees him and starts to make his almond daiquiri.
But he has no almonds. “What will I do,” Dick says to himself.
Then he spots a hickory nut. “I’ll have to use that,” Dick says. So he uses the hickory nut.
The doctor drinks it, but he knows something is different.
“Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?”
“No, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc.”
•••
Love develops between two 80-year-olds in a retirement home. Eventually, they decide it’s time to consummate their love, so they meet after dinner in the chap’s room.
They take off their clothes and stand naked in front of each other.
“There’s something I need to tell you,” says the woman. “I have acute angina.”
“Yeah,” says the gentleman, “and your boobs aren’t bad, either.”
•••
And some one-liners …
Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you … but it’s still on my list.
Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
We never really grow up – we just learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
In filling out an application, where it says, “In case of emergency, notify..” I answered “a doctor.”
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they’re sexy.
You don’t need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
•••
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