A doctor is struggling to find work, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside that reads ‘GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100’. A lawyer walks past and thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100.
Lawyer: I’ve lost my sense of taste.
Doctor: Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22.
The doctor then puts three drops in the patient’s mouth.
Lawyer: Ugh! This is kerosene.
Doctor: Congratulations, your sense of taste has been restored. That’ll be $20.
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.
Doctor: Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22.
The doctor then puts three drops in the lawyer’s mouth.
Lawyer (annoyed): That is kerosene. You gave that to me last time for restoring my taste.
Doctor: Congratulations. You’ve got your memory back. That’ll be $20.
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later, determined to extract $100 from the doctor.
Lawyer: My eyesight has become very weak. I can’t see at all.
Doctor: Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so here’s $100.
Lawyer (staring at the note): But this is $20, not $100!
Doctor: Congratulations, your eyesight has been restored. That’ll be $20.
•••
A curious child asked his mum why some of her hairs were turning grey. The mother tried to use the question to her advantage and replied, “It’s because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!”
The child replied innocently, “Now I know why grandma has only grey hairs on her head.”
•••
A few days after Christmas, a mother is working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She hears the train stop and her son saying, “All of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, because we’re going down the tracks.”
The mother tells her son: “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you’re to stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stops and the mother hears her son say: “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.”
Her son continues: “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”
As the mother begins to smile, the child adds: “For those of you who are pissed off about the two-hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”
•••
A very drunk man walks into a pub. He tells the bartender: “I want a drink. In fact, give everyone in here a drink on me. You have a drink with us, too.” The bartender serves everyone the drink of their choice, serves himself, then hands the drunk man the bill. The drunk man pats himself down looking for his wallet and says: “It appears I’ve misplaced my wallet.”
Angry, the bartender grabs the drunk man by his neck, drags him out back and gives him a thrashing. A few minutes later, the drunk man walks back in and says: “Bartender, I’m buying another drink for everyone in here. But not you. You get mean when you drink.”
