An American husband and wife were traveling on holiday in Scotland. As they approached Kirkcudbright, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. The argument raged until they stopped for lunch. As they stood in the restaurant, the husband asked the man behind the counter: “Can you please settle an argument between me and my wife? How do you pronounce the name of this place?”
The man leaned over the counter and said: “Burrr… gerrr… kiiing.”
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It was mealtime on a small budget airline. So the flight attendant asked one of the passengers: “Would you like dinner?” The passenger replied: “What are my choices?” The flight attendant answered: “Yes or no. All other options have been eliminated due to budget cuts.”
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A long train travels across a hot desert. Soon, engine number 1 breaks down. The driver continues at half-power, but then engine number 2 fails and the train comes to a standstill. Speaking over the intercom, the driver tells the passengers: “I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed and we will be stuck here. The good news is that you decided to take the train instead of the plane.”
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Jack says to his friend Bob: “I’m so ready for a holiday, mate. But this year I’m going to do it a little differently. The last few years I’ve taken your advice about where to go. Three years ago, you told me to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Susan got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to Italy, and Susan got pregnant … again. Last year, you suggested Spain, and guess what? Well. Susan got pregnant again!”
So Bob asks: “And what are you going to do differently this year?”
Jack replies: “Well, mate, this year I’m taking Susan with me.”
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A group of tourists are trapped by an avalanche in Switzerland. After three hours, a Saint Bernard arrives with a keg of brandy tied under its chin. “Hooray!” cries one of the tourists. “Here comes man’s best friend!”
“Yes,” said another. “And look at the size of the dog that’s bringing it!”
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Why don’t aliens visit our planet? Terrible ratings. One star.
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