This collection of quick-witted quotes from the world’s most intelligent – and funniest – people will give you a unique insight on life. Or they’ll just make you laugh out loud. Either way, you win!
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You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there. – George Burns
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. – Emo Philips
If at first you don’t succeed … so much for skydiving. – Henny Youngman
Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them? – Bill Murray
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car. – Bob Monkhouse
I intend to live forever. So far, so good. – Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. – Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.” – Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. – George Burns
Politics: “Poli” a Latin word meaning “many” – and “tics” meaning “bloodsucking creatures”. – Robin Williams
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition. – Marilyn Monroe
I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know, so they have to run a little. – Bill Murray
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. – Douglas Adams
I bet giraffes don’t even know what farts smell like. – Bill Murray
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. – Dave Barry
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them as much. – Oscar Wilde
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. – Greg King
I need my sleep. I need about eight hours a day, and about 10 at night. – Bill Hicks
The only mystery in life is why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. – Al McGuire
I’m not addicted to coke. I just love the way it smells. – Richard Pryor
I can resist everything except temptation. – Oscar Wilde
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. – Billy Sunday
A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist. – Franklin Jones
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. – Socrates
What are some of your favourite funny quotes? Who gives the best quotes? Let us know what you think in the comments section below.
Also read: Friday Funnies: Going Nuts
