The dog’s diary:
8am – Dog food! My favourite thing!
9.30am – A car ride! My favourite thing!
9.40am – A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10.30am – Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12pm – Milk bones! My favourite thing!
1pm – Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3pm – Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5pm – Dinner! My favourite thing!
7pm – Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8pm – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11pm – Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!
The cat’s diary:
Day 983 of my captivity
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Bastards!
There was an assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies”. I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now …
•••
What do you get when you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle and a rooster?
A cockerpoodledoo!
•••
Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool?
She had mittens.
•••
Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter. “My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a loaf of bread, stops off at the cafe for my mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on the TV, all before I get out of bed.”
“I know,” says the second owner. “How do you know?” the first demands. “My dog told me.”
•••
Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
•••
What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?
He stole the show!
What would your dog say if it could talk? Why not share your favourite dog and cat jokes in the comments section below?
