Rene Descartes was at a party when the waiter asked if he would care for a hors d’oeuvre. Descartes said: “I think not.” And disappeared.
•••
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One looks at the other and asks: “Does this taste funny to you?”
•••
A man goes ice fishing for the first time. He walks out onto the ice and hears a booming voice proclaim: “There are no fish under the ice.”
He ignores the voice and proceeds to cut a hole in the ice and throw his line in.
Again, he hears the booming voice, “There are no fish under the ice!”
The man looks up and nervously asks: “God?”
“No, this is the rink manager!”
•••
Read: Jokes for smart people
Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook on one hand and a wooden leg.
“Matey, what happened to ya?” asks Morty.
Sol replies: “Well, my pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off my leg. So now I have this wooden peg in its place.”
“And your hand?” asks Morty.
“When my ship sank, a shark bit my hand off. So now I’ve got me a hook.”
“Arrh okay, but what about the eye patch?”
Sol replies: “I was standing on a deck, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.”
Confused, Morty asked: “But you don’t go blind from seagull poop, do ya?”
“No,” admitted Sol, “But it was my first day with the hook.”
•••
Read: Money, money, money
A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender says: “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says: “Give me a beer and a mop.”
•••
Two racehorses are in the stable. One says to the other: “You know, before that last race …”
“The one that you won?” asks the other horse.
“Yeah, before that last race, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters.”
The other horse says: “Funny, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters before the race that I won.”
A dog walking by hears them and says: “You idiots, you’re being doped. They’re injecting you with a drug that makes you run faster!”
One horse turns to the other and screams: “Argh! A talking dog!”
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