The day when my wedding rings fit again, I will throw a party. We can’t all be princess Kate. – Busy Phillips
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I always have a note in my pocket that says, “John did it” – just in case I’m murdered, because I don’t want him to remarry. – Christine Teigen
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I love my husband, but no matter where we are I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens he gets murdered first. – Jessica Valenti
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I’d like to thank my husband for changing half the nappies in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day … – Kristen Bell
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I married for love. But the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored. – Cameron Esposito
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*Watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*Husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
– Stephanie Oritz
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Millennials who make fun of my wife and I for sharing jeans can go straight to hell. – Rob Delaney
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Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for office. – Shirley Maclaine
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Wife: *cutting my hair* “How do you want it this time?”
Me: “Make me look handsome.”
Wife: “I’m not a miracle worker.”
– James Breakwell
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