A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
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My friend keeps saying, “Cheer up man, it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.” I know he means well.
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The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He became round after too much pi.
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What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey!
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How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
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Why couldn’t the bike stand up by itself? It was two tired.
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Grandpa: “I have a ‘dad bod’.”
Dad: “To me, though, it’s more like a father figure.”
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Kid: “Hey, I was thinking …”
Dad: “I thought I smelled something burning.”
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Kid: “Dad, can you put my shoes on?”
Dad: “No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.”
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Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
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If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
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What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.
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What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language
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What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. If the cow has no legs, then it’s ground beef.
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My wife is really angry at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So, I packed up my stuff and right.
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My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, and the nappy bag. But all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
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You’re Australian when you go into the bathroom, and you’re Australian when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European!
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Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?” And I burst into tears. Eleven years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
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Mum: “Honey, can you put the cat out?”
Dad: “I didn’t know it was on fire.”
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