The great thing about one-liners is that they’re easy to remember. Though you have to remember more of them! Enjoy.
•••
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now!
•••
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey…
… but then I turned myself around.
•••
I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger…
And then it hit me.
•••
A limbo champion walks into a bar
They are disqualified.
•••
Where do you find a cow with no legs?
Where you left it.
•••
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
“Oops!”
•••
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bale.
•••
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other: “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
•••
What’s E.T. short for?
Because he’s got little legs.
•••
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
•••
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a goldfish.
The salesman asks him: “Do you want an aquarium?”
He responds: “I don’t care what star sign it is!”
•••
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming like the passengers in his car.
•••
And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life.
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
•••
Two cows stand in a field. One turns to the other and says: “Hey, I’ve heard mad cow disease is going around. Doesn’t that make you nervous?”
The other replies: “Why would I be scared? I’m a helicopter.”
•••
Never criticise someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. Then you can criticise them, and you’ll have their shoes.
•••
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.
But I laugh more.
•••
What’s white and can’t climb a tree?
A fridge.
•••
Jokes about communists aren’t funny
…unless everyone gets them.
•••
I still remember what my grandpa said right before he kicked the bucket.
“How far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
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