One day at the end of class, the teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story that contains a moral learning. The following day the teacher asks the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand. “My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.”
When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied: “Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket.”
Little Lucy went next. “My dad owns a farm, too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend, only eight of the 12 eggs hatched.”
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Lucy replied: “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”
Next up was little Larry. “My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese enemy soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of ammunition! So, he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands.”
The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
“Well,” Larry replied, “Don’t mess with Uncle Ted when he’s been drinking.”
•••
A man sits down on a train next to a Catholic priest. The man reeks of beer and cigarette smoke, his tie is stained and his shirt is filthy. His face is plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin is sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
The man opens his newspaper and begins reading. After a few minutes, the man turns to the priest and asks: “Say Father, what causes arthritis?”
The priest, obviously bothered by the man’s foul stench and abhorrent behaviour, sternly replies: “My Son, it is caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of personal hygiene.”
The drunk man looks up for a second and mutters: “Hmm…well, I’ll be damned.” Then returns to his paper.
The priest, beginning to think he may have been a bit harsh, nudged the man and apologised. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
The drunk man answered: “Oh I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
•••
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the kerb, and stopped just centimetres from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said: “Please, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me.”
The passenger, who was also frightened, apologised and said he didn’t realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. Then the driver explained: “I’m sorry, it’s really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.”
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