Joe had suffered from bad headaches for the past 20 years and eventually decided to see a doctor about the problem.
The doctor said: “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”
Joe was shocked and became depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men’s clothing store and thought: ‘That’s what I need, a new suit.’ He entered the shop and asked the salesman to tailor a new suit.
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said: “Let’s see … size 44 long.”
Joe laughed: “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years,” the tailor replied.
Joe tried on the suit and it fitted perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked: “How about a new shirt?”
Joe thought for a moment and then said: “Sure.”
The salesman eyed Joe and said: “Let’s see, 96cm chest and 42cm neck.”
Joe was surprised: “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years,” he replied.
Joe tried on the shirt and it fitted perfectly. He walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked: “How about some new underwear?”
Joe thought for a moment and said: “Sure.”
The salesman said: “Let’s see … size 36.”
Joe laughed: “Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.”
The salesman shook his head: “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”
•••
Two young boys go to a store. They have $6 between them and want a cool toy. After shopping around for a bit, they go up to the register with a box of tampons. The clerk asks what they are planning to do with them. One of the boys replies: “It says on the box you can go swimming, horse-back riding, play tennis and other activities! We just need to figure out how they work.”
•••
God called St Peter to him, and told him heaven was starting to get full and that from now on people could only be admitted if they had an interesting or notable death story. So, St Peter went down to the Pearly Gates and when the first person arrived explained the new rules. The man sighed and began his explanation.
“You see, St Peter, I was a man who lived to support my family. I was a hard worker and every day I got home tired. Today, I arrived home at my high-rise apartment and I saw my wife covering her naked body on the bed. How could she dare cheat on me? I was furious, and I nearly tore my apartment down looking for whoever she was cheating with. Finally, I found him. He was hanging off the edge of our balcony. I started stepping on his fingers, I was so angry. He let go eventually, and he fell down six storeys to the ground below, but somehow he didn’t die! I was still fuming, so I grabbed my refrigerator and threw it off the balcony, but the exertion was too much and I had a heart attack and died.”
St Peter decided that this story was more than interesting enough, so he let the man pass into heaven. St Peter then explained the rules to the next man, and the man told his story.
“You see Sat Peter, I’m a man of fitness, and I really care about my physique. So I was running on my treadmill, up in my seventh floor apartment, and something happened to my treadmill and it started getting faster and faster, and before I was able to pull the emergency stop, I was flung out of my apartment. By some miracle, I managed to grab onto a balcony, and then some madman comes and starts stomping on my fingers! Would you believe it, St Peter? I was forced to let go of the balcony, but somehow I managed to survive the fall, and then a fridge falls on me!”
St Peter was shocked at the coincidence, and let the man pass into heaven.
A third man came to the Pearly Gates and St Peter explained the rules. The man smiled, and said, “Are you ready for this St Peter? Okay, so I’m naked, and I’m hiding in a fridge …”
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