We have a full bag of jokes for you this week, which should give you plenty of laughing material for your next party or BBQ – best mind the kiddies for a few of ‘em, though!
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. “It’s for my husband,” she tells the clerk.
“Did he tell you what gauge to get?” asked the clerk.
“Are you kidding?” she says. “He doesn’t even know that I’m going to shoot him!”
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The Salvation Army realised that it had never received a donation from Glasgow’s most successful lawyer. So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, “Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community?”
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, “First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?”
Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, “Uh … no, I didn’t know that.”
“Secondly,” says the lawyer, “did it show you that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?”
The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
“Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?”
The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, “I’m so sorry. I had no idea.”
And then the lawyer paused and said, “So, if I didn’t give any money to them, what makes you think I’d give any to you?”
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An elderly married couple was at home watching TV. The husband had the remote, and he kept switching back and forth between the fishing channel and the porn channel.
The wife became more and more annoyed and finally cried, “For God’s sake! Just leave it on the porn channel! You already know how to fish!”
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A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally, he went to a marriage counsellor.
The counsellor asked, “Please describe your two loves.”
“Well, one is a great poet.”
“And the other?”
“The other makes delicious pancakes.”
“I see. So, you can’t decide whether to marry for batter or for verse.”
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Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, “I’m sleeping with the minister’s wife. Can you keep him in church for an hour after service for me?”
Mike doesn’t like it, but being a good mate, he agrees.
After the service, Mike starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he’s really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister, “My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied.”
The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike’s shoulder and says, “You better hurry to your home now. My wife died a year ago.”
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A man is recovering from minor surgery when his nurse comes in to check on him.
“How are you feeling?” she asks.
“I’m okay,” he says, “but I didn’t like the four-letter word the doctor used during the surgery.”
“What word did he say?” the nurse asked.
“Oops.”
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My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When my mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items.
Dad returned shortly after, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two-dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants and seven green peppers…
