Pat goes to confession and tells the priest: “I’ve had sex with a woman who is not my wife.”
“What’s the woman’s name”, asks the priest.
“Oh, I can’t tell you that,” says Pat.
“Well, I can’t give you penance if you don’t tell me who it was.”
“Was it Mrs. Gilhooly?”
“No, father, it wasn’t.”
“Was it Mrs. Murphy?”
“No, father, it wasn’t”
“Was it Mrs. Jones?”
“No, father, it wasn’t “
“Well then Pat, I can’t give you penance,” says the priest.
On the way out, Pat meets Seamus.
“Well, Pat, did he give you penance?” asks Seamus.
“No, he didn’t, but he gave me three good leads,” says Pat.
•••
Interviewer: How much milk does your cow produce?
Farmer: Which one, black one or white one?
Interviewer: Black one.
Farmer: Two litres per day.
Interviewer: And the white one?
Farmer: Two litres per day.
Interviewer: Where do they sleep?
Farmer: The black one or the white one?
Interviewer: The black one.
Farmer: In the barn.
Interviewer: And the white one?
Farmer: In the barn.
Interviewer: Your cows look healthy … What do you feed them?
Farmer: Which one – the black one or the white one?
Interviewer: Black one.
Farmer: Grass.
Interviewer: And the white one?
Farmer: Grass.
Interviewer (annoyed): But why do you keep on asking if the black one or the white one when your answers are just the same?
Farmer: Because the black one is mine.
Interviewer: And the white one?
Farmer: It’s also mine.
•••
Interviewer: “Tell us a little something about yourself …”
Candidate: “I’d rather not, I really want this job.”
Interviewer: “Why do you want this job?”
Candidate: “Well, I’ve always been really passionate about not starving to death.”
Interviewer: “Would you be willing to relocate?”
Candidate: “Of course, where would you like me to sit?”
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Candidate: “The company relocated the office and forgot to tell me where it is.”
Interviewer: “How long were you in your last position?”
Candidate: “I’d say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.”
Interviewer: “Well, your CV is bloated with half-truths, false praise, exaggeration and unsubstantiated accomplishments. I’d like to hire you to write our annual report.”
Interviewer: “Before we take the next steps, what’s your biggest weakness?”
Candidate: “I don’t know when to quit.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired.”
Candidate: “I quit.”
•••
I went for an interview. They said, “Can you perform under pressure?”
I said, “I’m not sure about that but I can have a good crack at Bohemian Rhapsody.”
•••
I was asked at an interview what my weakness is.
I replied, “I’m too honest.”
The interviewer said, “I don’t consider honesty a weakness.”
I said, “I don’t care what you think.”
•••
The interviewer asked me, “It says here on your resume that you used to be in the theatre. What made you leave?”
I said, “Well, the movie ended, so …”
What’s the funniest thing you’ve been asked in an interview? Why not share your jokes in the comments section below?
