An elderly couple were invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening. The host was impressed by the way her friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as honey, my love, darling, sweetheart and pumpkin. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the husbands were in the living room, the host leaned over to her friend and said: “I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving pet names.”
The lady hung her head. “I have to tell you the truth. His name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I’m scared to death to ask the cranky old bastard what it is.”
•••
A man was dining in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out , but lacked the nerve to speak to her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air and handed it back.
“Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman said as she popped her eye back in place.
“Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,” she said.
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterward went to the theatre and later had drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible! “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Do you treat every guy you meet this way?”
“No,” she replied.
“You just happened to catch my eye.”
•••
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him: “How’s the girlfriend?”
Pinocchio replied: “Who needs a girlfriend?”
