A man walked into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo was a dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
•••
A Mexican magician tells his audience that he will disappear on the count of three.
He counts, “uno, dos …” and poof … he disappears without a tres.
•••
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are trying to get a glimpse of a juggling street performer over a crowd. The street performer notices this and stands on a box to give them a better view. “Can you see me now?” he asks.
The men respond, “Yes.” “Oui.” “Si.” “Ja.”
•••
What’s the different between a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants?
One’s a crust bus station, and one’s a busty crustacean.
•••
A man comes home and informs his wife, “I’ve just left my job. I couldn’t work for that man after what he said to me.”
Concerned, she asks, “What did he say to you?”
“You’re fired.”
•••
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
•••
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went camping together. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. In the middle of the night, Holmes woke Watson and said, “Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
“And what do you deduce from that?” asked Holmes.
“Well, Holmes, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely that there are some planets similar to Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there may also be life.”
Holmes replied, “Watson, you idiot, it means that someone stole our tent!”
•••
I bought my friend an elephant for her room.
She said, “Thank you.”
I said, “Don’t mention it.”
•••
What do you call a snobbish criminal going downstairs?
A condescending con descending.
•••
I have a Polish friend who’s a sound technician, Oh, and a Czech one too. Czech one too. Czech one too.
•••
A man walks into a library and orders fish and chips.
The librarian tells him, “This is a library.”
The man replies, “Oh sorry,” and then whispers, “I’d like some fish and chips.”
•••
When I was a child, we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child … eventually.
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