Two years ago my dad got really sick. He’d been living with Parkinson’s disease for many years, when a routine procedure gave him an infection that exacerbated the disease and severely limited his mobility and cognition.
Overnight, he went from a healthy and articulate 76-year-old, to hallucinating, in pain and bedridden.
At the same time I became part of the ‘sandwich’ generation – people, mainly women, who are raising children while caring for their elderly parents.
At 46, I suddenly had unwanted insight into what so many other Australians are facing today.
For a year, I worked full time while raising my young kids, helping my mum care for dad, and grappling with the convoluted aged care system.
Thankfully, my dad’s health improved eventually, but for those sandwiched months I was stretched. I cried – a lot. I was stressed and overwhelmed.
But I couldn’t see any other way. Because not turning up – for either my kids or my parents – meant letting down someone who needed me.
I’ve spent the past few months interviewing experts as well as others in the sandwich generation and I’ve learnt that I could have managed things differently – and been a little kinder to myself.
Here are three things I wish I’d known earlier.
Your kids can handle your sadness
Three or four nights a week I would drive to my parents’ house to help my mum put dad to bed.
I would cry the entire way home. But as soon as I parked the car I would wipe my eyes, walk in the front door and greet my children, then aged eight and 10, like nothing was happening.
I didn’t make a conscious decision not to talk to them about what was happening with dad; it was just my way of coping.
But the result was that no-one – not even my husband – knew the extent of how sick my dad was. When I had to finally explain that he might not walk again, it came as a shock.
The kids also had no idea how hard I was finding everything.
But parenting educator and child health specialist Kayleen Henderson says children should be told what’s happening with ill family members – using age-appropriate language – as early as possible.
“If your parent is facing an issue that’s likely to require a lot of your time, or is likely to cause a considerable decline or death of your parent, then these are absolutely things that we should be sharing with our children,” Dr Henderson says.
And she says by not explaining why you’re stressed or preoccupied, you risk a young child assuming that they are to blame, which is the default position in early cognitive development.
It’s also okay for parents to show children their emotions. Though it’s important to tread carefully here.
“We are absolutely allowed to be sad, and we can voice that with our children,” Dr Henderson says.
“We can say things like, ‘Gosh, I’m feeling a bit worn down and sad this afternoon. I might just go and have a big cry and have a lie down for a little while, and then I’m sure I’ll feel a bit better, and I’ll be up for playing with you then’, or whatever it might be.
“But there’s a difference between that and relying on children to bear the burden of our sadness. If we need to vent because of how many things we’re being expected to juggle, or if we’re really distressed … we really need to be held by someone else in those moments, not our children.”
A family therapist can help
It can be hard to admit to yourself that you don’t have the capacity to help as much as your family needs you to, let alone explain that to others.
Having a counsellor to guide my family through this emotional and challenging time could have really helped all of us.
It’s the kind of work Jenny Brown, a family systems therapist and mental health social worker, specialises in.
She says for people caught between caring for their parents and their children, it’s important to “work on yourself in your relationships”.
“You don’t try and fix the whole family. Just stay in your own lane and work out how much energy and time do I have to allocate, and how am I going to do that, and how am I going to communicate that to my siblings,” she says.
Dr Brown acknowledges families are often messy and complex, and that it can be hard to step back and think logically, rather than running on autopilot.
But she says it’s important to try.
“When we’re stressed … we react. And so the first step in all of this is to put the pause button on. We’ve got to find that time to do some problem solving,” she says.
She recommends not expressing boundaries in a reactive way, or in a moment of stress, which is likely to upset the person we’re speaking to.
“[We should] talk to our family members about: Here’s what I think is realistic for me, with the responsibilities that I’m juggling with my children, with my parents. Here’s what my principles are. Here’s what I really want to be able to offer our parents at this time, but here’s what I’m not willing to give up on, in terms of my commitment to parenting,” she says.
And if conversations get hard or uncomfortable, don’t give up.
“Continue to talk and listen and problem solve together. We’re not helpless in our families.”
Normal to grieve, even when your loved one is alive
My dad has always been a steady presence in my life. Like an invisible safety net, I knew he would catch me no matter what.
I didn’t know how comforting it was to have that safety net until it was gone. To see dad so vulnerable and in pain floored me.
– with Shevonne Hunt, ABC News
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