Australia’s premier thoroughbred race is about to get off to a gallop in a few weeks’ time. While the favourites are jockeying for position with the bookies, we thought it might be a good time for some horsin’ with these track-side rib-ticklers.
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George said to Fred: “I put $20 on a horse last week and he came in at 25 to one.”
“Wow! You must be loaded,” said Fred.
“Not really,” said George, “The rest of the field came in at 12.30.”
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A young jockey and his stable lass girlfriend decide to get married. The wedding goes without a hitch and the couple set off on their honeymoon. While checking in at their hotel, the lady behind the desk asks: “We have two suites available for you, would you like the bridal?”
“No thanks,” says the jockey, “I’ll just hold her ears till she gets the hang of it!”
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After an eye test, a leading trainer was presented with a new pair of glasses. The optician said they would cost $200.
“Too much!” cried the trainer.
“They’re bi-focal,” said the optician.
“I don’t care if they’re by Phar Lap. It’s too much.”
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The trainer was giving last-minute instructions to the jockey, and he slipped something into the horse’s mouth just as a steward was walking by.
“What was that?” inquired the steward.
“Oh nothing,” said the trainer, “Just a polo.”
He then offered one to the steward and had one himself.
After the suspicious steward had left the scene, the trainer continued with his instructions.
“Just keep on the rail. You are on a certainty. The only thing that could possibly pass you down the home straight is either the steward or me.”
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Did you hear the one about the horse who was so slow on the track, the jockey kept a diary of the race?
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What’s the difference between praying in church and at the track?
At the track you really mean it!
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Paddy and his two friends are talking at work. His first friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”
His second friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”
Paddy says: “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.” Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
“I’m serious,” says Paddy. “The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”
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A horse walks into a bar one day.
The bartender says: “Hey.”
The horse says: “You read my mind!”
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A racehorse owner takes his best horse to the vet and waits anxiously while he is being examined.
Once the vet has finished, the owner asks him: “Will I be able to race him again?’’
The vet replies: “Of course! And you’ll probably beat him too.”
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A guy is sitting quietly reading his Sunday newspaper when his wife suddenly rushes over and hits him over the head with a frying pan.
“What was that for?” he shouts.
His wife answers: “I was just doing the laundry and I found a piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name ‘Marylou’ on it. Who the hell is she?”
The guy says: “Oh, don’t worry about that, dear. Do you remember when I went to races with my friends the other week? Marylou was the name of the horse I was backing.”
Satisfied, his wife returns to the laundry. But a few minutes later she comes running back to her husband and this time hits him on the head twice with the frying pan.
“What was that for?” he shouts again.
His wife says: “Your horse just called.”
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