A new year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
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I want to get so drunk that the mosquitoes can’t fly straight.
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I love when they drop the ball in Times Square. It’s a nice reminder of what I did all year.
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You can preserve many things in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.
Read: Cracking Christmas jokes
I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.
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May all your troubles last as long as your new year’s resolutions.
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What happened to the man who thought about the evils of drinking in the new year? He gave up thinking.
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It’s 9.30 on New Year’s Eve and it looks like I’ve got two-and a-half hours to run 10 kilometres, meditate daily and read 30 books.
Read: Did you hear?
What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on New Year’s Eve? He got 12 months!
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My new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half full with either rum, vodka or whiskey.
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Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year. Today is going to be a great day!
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New Year’s Day is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don’t want you reusing last year’s calendar.
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I return to work tomorrow with a childlike belief that next year will be the year people will think at least twice before hitting ‘Reply all’ and learn to tell when they’re on mute.
