Whenever Denise and her daughter go out together, her daughter fails to pay or contribute. How can Denise suggest it would be nice if she offered to split the bill?
Q. Denise
I love my daughter, but she can be quite oblivious at times. Whenever we go out together she never offers to pay or contribute, even if we have lunch. Both she and her new husband work, while I am living on a part pension. I didn’t mind paying when she was younger and still studying, but recently I have been trying to budget my money and these get-togethers are eating into my ‘going out’ allowance. How can I suggest it might be nice if she offered to split the bill without worrying her about my finances?
A. No matter how old our children get, we are still the parents. It’s often hard to shift the parent child dynamic. I hear many parents of adult children complain that they still do all the nurturing and receive very little in return. I’d suggest that your daughter is totally unaware of the need for the dynamic to change and she will remain oblivious until you mix things up a bit. Stick to outings that don’t cost anything for a while. Invite her over for a meal instead of going out. Pop into her place every now and then. When she proposes dining out or seeing a movie, suggest going on a cheaper day or eating before or after you go out. If you change the dance steps of this relationship, she has no choice but to respond. She will hopefully start to offer to shout you lunch, coffee or a movie ticket if you don’t automatically put your hand in your purse.
Jo Lamble
