Dear Fiona: How do I get my family to stop taking me for granted?

The problem: I am a busy, overworked and increasingly angry housewife. I’m the only person in the family who has been holding down a job over the past nine months or so, while the rest of family does nothing to help. We have three teenage children who seem totally self-absorbed.

They seem to think food, clean clothes and a warm place to sleep are acts of modern magic that simply appear for their benefit. I blame my husband for this as he seems quite content for me to provide all of this, even though I’m the one working.

I’m angry and depressed, and finding it increasingly difficult to motivate myself. Yesterday I sat around the house all day in a dirty T-shirt and shorts and did nothing but watch TV. My family just carried on as usual. When they realised I’d not cooked any supper, rather than offer to help, my husband ordered a takeaway.

How do I get their attention, and get them motivated?

Fiona says: “You don’t say if your family has always been like this or if it’s only been happening since the pandemic. That is no reason for them taking you for granted though, but it does affect how you deal with it. If, in the past, they’ve taken turns helping, it’s possible they’re all struggling and feeling depressed by the current situation. If that’s the case, then however upset you are, you are going to have to treat them gently. Depression can make people very self-absorbed and although you are carrying the load right now, they may need help to recognise the fact.

“If, on the other hand, they’ve always been allowed to get away without helping, I think you are going to have to be quite assertive to get them to change their ways. Whichever way this has happened, I suggest you start with your husband. Tell him how you are feeling and make sure he understands that you’re finding it all too much. Hopefully, you can motivate him to start helping at least a little.

“I would then encourage you to try to arrange a family talk and explain to your teenagers how they are making you feel. Suggest that, to avoid the very real risk of you giving way to depression and illness, they should all take responsibility for a fair share of work around the house. I’d like to hope that this will be the wake-up call they need, although you may have to help them initially by organising timetables and a cleaning roster.

“Whilst they are certainly taking you for granted right now, it’s possibly because they see you as the strong one, who is carrying on whilst the rest are falling apart. They need to understand you are vulnerable too. So, if they resist helping, I think you will have to resort to stronger tactics. You’ve hit upon a good one already – stop doing all the things they’ve grown used to you doing. Instead, only do those things that you want to do for your own benefit; wash only your only clothes, clean your own room and prepare your own food. It may take a while for them to wake up, but hopefully this will convince them you are serious about this and that you need to pull together as a family.

“I’m also acutely aware, though, that some men – and probably some teenagers too – simply won’t care.
An overflowing rubbish bin, a dirty toilet and unwashed clothes may not bother them as they would bother you, so leaving things undone may make you feel like you’re suffering even more. So, stopping doing things needs to be combined with an effort to educate them into understanding that a clean, healthy happy home requires an emotional commitment by everyone living in it!”

What advice would you give in this situation? Why not share your thoughts in the comments section below.

Also read: Advice on how to truly heal a family rift

– With PA