By Yumi Stynes
Strangers can’t stop talking to me about their sex lives.
Even before I started hosting a podcast about relationships and sex, people would often tell me really personal things about their bodies, their sex lives or their inner pain. Then they’d clamp their hands over their mouths and say something like, “I never talk about this stuff normally!” Or, “Sorry! Why am I telling you this?!”
I guess I just have one of those faces, I look like I can probably handle it, because this has happened to me ever since I was in high school.
But since I started working on the podcast Ladies, We Need to Talk, I’ve had a lot more conversations with a lot more people who are even more raw and frank with me.
I also co-wrote Welcome to Sex with Dr Melissa Kang, so we interviewed many people about their experiences on everything from getting their period for the first time to asking for consent to hold hands. And those people had a lot of questions for us too.
Yet the most common sex question I get asked isn’t salacious at all.
It’s simply: “Am I normal?”
When it comes to sex, most people exist in a bubble of little or no information — in particular, information about the sex they’re having.
They might have read every article and book, or every how-to guide, but as far as interrogating what they’re doing themselves between the sheets, people find it really tricky to talk about it.
It can feel overly personal to discuss with friends, and it can feel like you’re betraying your partner by discussing things that are meant to be just between the two of you.
These conversations can feel deeply awkward, and it’s common that couples rarely talk about the kinds of sex they want with each other.
And that’s where that “Am I normal” question comes in.
So, are you normal?
Many long-established couples usually follow a script for how sex will go each time. Although I’m generalising, it tends to look like this: initiating sex, foreplay, touching, nudity, perhaps oral sex or penetrative sex, finish, goodnight.
Following the script means a couple of things: the sex isn’t scary, you’re not “experimenting”, being “weird” or leaving your comfort zone.
It also means you’re at risk of getting bored — and if the sex isn’t that great to start with, you’re repeating a pattern you don’t really enjoy.
Yet the attraction of following the script is that you feel normal. And being “normal” is what so many people want.
“Am I normal?” is the most common question because people want to be “normal” while having no real idea of what normal really is.
It’s the reason why another commonly asked question is: “How many times a week do people have sex?”
People want the average, because they want to know how they compare.
By the way, the answer is not that often. According to the most recent Australian Study of Health and Relationships study, people are having sex once or twice a week.
Again, most people just want to know if they’re normal. And that question also applies to other relationships in their life.
How to talk to kids about sex
Another question I’m frequently asked also comes from people wanting to feel normal.
It’s: “How do I talk to my kids about sex?”
This question comes with a lot of terror for parents. What if I say the wrong thing? What if I blush? What if I don’t know the answer? What if I scar them for life?
So here is some advice that you can start with:
Meet kids where they are
If they’re talking about holding hands and pashing, then try to walk alongside them in the understandings they currently have about attraction, big feelings and wanting to be close to someone.
Use language they understand. If their concepts are way more explicit or pornography-informed, take a deep breath. This is where they need you the most. No one else is as safe as you are for them to have these conversations with.
It’s okay to want to flee
Across cultures and eras, parents have found these conversations difficult, and children have squirmed and cringed. It’s okay. Have those feelings and march onward.
Don’t expect to know all the answers
This applies in sex conversations and ALL conversations! Pretending you know everything and are infallible creates a weird dynamic.
Children aren’t fools. They can spot if you’re stalling. Just own it. It’s okay to say: “I don’t know but I’ll find out and get back to you” or “I am pretty sure this is right, but I’ll double check.” And then make good on your promise and get back to them. Do return to the conversation.
Don’t flinch
This is harder than it sounds. Even if they don’t appear to be engaged, the kids are absolutely scrutinising you for the tiniest twitch of a reaction. If they broach a subject — say, anal sex — and they see you absolutely backflip in panic and horror, they are going to know not to broach this topic again.
Remember be cool, be neutral and just be a good listener.
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