How do you know if you are old?

Old? Not me, you exclaim to all and sundry and to your own internal person – be that he/she/they. 

But then again, what does signify that transition to elder citizen, to old fart as some people derogatorily accuse old people of being?

I tried to come up with a list the other night with a friend as we pondered our place in the universe, in the pecking order of life if you will. The following list is in no particular order or ranking:

• You make loud ooh and ahh noises and groans when you try to get up off the couch, low chair, floor (whatever were you doing down there!), and even sometimes the toilet seat. You don’t mean to make these noises they just happen.
• You spend the first 15 minutes with friends discussing your ailments, operations and surgeons who you can highly recommend. And you decide which ones are the dishiest and which have the best reputation. 
• You find it bloody hard to open jars and cans, put the fitted sheets on the too tight bed mattress and generally bemoan the state of your grip. Not your grip on the world mind you. That’s perfectly fine.
• You find yourself refusing to go out to dinner to restaurants with concrete floors, loud music and bench seats. If somehow you are coerced to go to said places, then you are astonished at the ridiculous prices they charge for minuscule meals. You can’t hear much of the conversation and leave early.
• You might decide to binge watch a wonderful television series, streamed of course (you have managed to pay for one of the popular ones) but find you fall asleep halfway through an episode and have to rewatch it. Damn. Where were you up to?
• You try to keep up with popular music, you have Spotify and occasionally follow its recommendations but, really, Taylor Swift et al do nothing for you and you long for the days of the Stones and the excitement of buying a new LP, admiring the artwork too.
• You find that early afternoon siestas are very restorative. No shame in that you say. The Spanish and Italians were doing it for years and years before the rest of the world cottoned on to it.
• You really want a strong coffee after 4pm but know if you do, you will not sleep through the night. Damn.
• You find that the wait staff in restaurants are a tad patronising, perhaps directing you to the seniors’ meal or even just ignoring your presence. After all, you are probably not going to order six cocktails or leave a big tip.
• You are probably staring down the prospect of hip/knee surgery at some time in the future. Cataracts are a certainty as are huge dental bills for crowns and implants. At least you won’t go toothless.
• Your volume of email plummets, unless it is for ads for downsizing your house and cryptocurrency scams that come in a barrage of unwanted attention.
• You go to your bank to speak to a real person and are chastised for not having the latest banking app. Then you are looked down upon with derision for your old-fashioned behaviour, wanting to actually converse with a real human being rather than a bot.
• You find you forget your passwords regularly and face the indignity of being locked out of various accounts. Just don’t get locked out of myGov. Bad news indeed.
• You finally give in to a hearing test. You might even buy aids but do you wear them?

However, old age is a state of mind as much as anything. Enjoy the quirkiness and laugh!!

What happened when you got older? Why not share your experience in the comments section below?

Also read: Why I miss old-school banking