In the Empire Hotel in Beechworth in country Victoria, there are still blokes who talk about ‘Chum’ Bell and his fishing buddy ‘Dago’ Matthews.
It seems that these two mates, keen fishermen back in the 1950s and 60s, generally opted for quick results and their preferred ‘bait’ was dynamite, which blasted the fish to the surface. Their preferred means of hydration while going about this task was port.
One day, according to Empire Hotel patrons, Chum dropped his false teeth overboard. Dago, quick-thinking despite having downed a few ports, took out his own teeth, put them on the end of his line and pretended to have caught them.
Chum was stunned at his good luck. He took the false teeth off Dago’s hook, put them in his mouth, declared they weren’t his and tossed them back in.
•••
Dog-gone
Ann drove from her inner suburban home to a southern suburb to watch her son play football. She took her dog.
She watched the game, drove home and enjoyed a peaceful afternoon until her husband asked where the dog was.
“Strewth!”
Ann rang her brother who lived near the ground.
“Can you go and pick up Paddy? I’ve left him at the oval.”
Two hours after the game had finished and Paddy the border collie was sitting exactly where the car had been parked.
•••
Feeling sheepish
Des was a sheep farmer near Shepparton some years back. Doing the rounds one afternoon he found a ewe on his property that needed some non-urgent attention.
He put the ewe in the boot of his car and returned home where his girlfriend was impatiently waiting for him to take her to the drive-in.
Off they went and, as Des was about to make his first move, the car started rocking.
That’s when Des remembered he still had the ewe in his boot.
He drove home immediately – neither female was happy.
•••
Polished pollies
Bob has a question about our politicians.
“I wonder how many of them grew up playing team sports?
“It seems to me that none of them display team spirit or team loyalty. They’re just in it for themselves.”
Well, we can’t answer that question without more research than we’re prepared to do, but we note that many of our pollies regularly display perfect handballing technique.
•••
From the file of silly questions
Barry got to the checkout with two large bags of dog biscuits.
“The checkout lady asked, ‘Have you got a dog?’
“A lot of cheeky answers flashed into my head. I even contemplated cocking my leg on her register, but I simply nodded.”
And Phil, who likes buying clothes for his wife on her birthday and Christmas, is constantly asked by sales staff: “So is this a gift?”
“I used to be rude and say, ‘Well, it’s not for me’ but now I just say ‘yes’. I’ve mellowed.”
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