Have you ever met up with a friend in the hopes of offloading about a tricky situation you’re facing, only to find that they completely derail the conversation and harp on about their own problems? When a friend isn’t a good listener, it can make you feel worse than you did before you tried to bring up your worries.
Even the most well-meaning people can struggle when faced with a friend in need, which is why it’s important to follow a few basic principles on how to listen when conversation turns to an emotive topic.
Here, psychology experts share their advice on what you should – and shouldn’t – say and do in order to be a good listener.
Do give them your full attention
We all know that person who can’t stop checking their phone or replying to texts, even in the middle of a chat – that’s a big no-no when you need to lend an ear to a friend or family member.
“Try to reduce any distractions such as phones or possible interruptions,” says psychologist Dr Hannah Wilson. “Give the person time to share what they want to – try not to rush in with questions or responses, as it may interrupt what someone else is saying.”
Debra Longsdale, therapy services director at Priory Healthcare, speaking on behalf of mental health app My Possible Self, advises: “If you’re finding it particularly difficult to concentrate on what someone is saying, try repeating their words mentally as they say them. This will reinforce their message and help you to stay focused.”
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Do put yourself in their shoes
Even if you think your friend is complaining about something trivial, try to have empathy for their situation.
“Try to put yourself in the other person’s position, and to understand their perspective,” says Dr Wilson, and don’t attempt to minimise the issue by using the phrase ‘at least’ in response. “It can leave people thinking that they should not be feeling the way they are.”
Ms Longsdale says the key with being a good listener is allowing people to vocalise their emotions. “By turning their negative into a positive, this can sometimes make the other [person] feel like they don’t have a ‘valid’ worry. Or ‘silly’ for being down about something.”
Dr Wilson adds: “Sometimes it can be more helpful to acknowledge that something is difficult/awful/unfair.”
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Do be aware of how you come across
Your voice and body language can convey a lot, so be mindful of your tone and non-verbal communication.
“Try to convey care and warmth,” Dr Wilson says. “Recognise that different people need different things when they’re talking about difficult topics. Some people may like to sit close and hug or hold hands whilst speaking, whilst others may need some space, or prefer to talk whilst doing something else such as walking or driving.”
To be a good listener, don’t make it about you
“As a general (and simple) rule, it’s always best to aim to speak less than they do,” says Ms Longsdale. “Try not to jump in too much with your own relatable experiences. This isn’t giving the other person the space to express themselves.”
Even if you think you’ve been through the exact same situation, your friend might be handling the situation differently.
While Dr Wilson says: “Try just to listen to the other person, or perhaps ask, ‘Would it be helpful if I shared a similar experience that I had?’”
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Don’t offer unsolicited advice
Unless you’re specifically asked for advice, it’s best to avoid telling the person what you think they should do.
“Often we jump into giving practical solutions, but this may not be what’s needed or wanted,” warns Dr Wilson. “Ask the other person what you can do to help them, instead of assuming what they need.”
If you’re itching offer your two cents or don’t know what to say, Ms Longsdale suggests: “Try validation phrases such as, ‘That sounds tricky’, or, ‘Sounds like you have a lot think about’. These help people feel heard and understood.”
How do you try to be a good listener to a friend? Are there any other tips that you find useful? Let us know in the comments section below.
– With PA
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