After 22 years of marriage, my husband left me.
I was angry. I was devastated. I was shocked. We had built a life together. We were part way through raising three amazing kids. We were a unit, a team, a partnership. We had planned our future and we were almost there, at the point where we could really start enjoying what we had achieved. And then it was gone. He was out. And I felt like my future had been stolen from me.
Separating from your life partner is a brutal experience – regardless of who instigates the split. All of a sudden you are left wondering – who the hell is this person? How can they change so suddenly and quickly from confidante, partner and co-pilot – to stranger?
And then there is the fallout on the kids. Trying not to share with them, or in front of them, the tears and pain and anger and all of the wrongs and hurts and callous little incidentals that become so consuming.
New way of life
And then there is negotiating a new way of being with your former partner. Our marriage was over – my husband wanted to be without me but he also wanted to be with me. He wanted to ring me every day to tell me about his day. He wanted my advice. He wanted me to help him choose furniture. He wanted my friendship. Not because he wanted me back as his lover, but because he wanted me back as his best friend. And that just wasn’t part of the deal – you can’t have all of the good bits of a partnership and none of the bad bits.
And then there is the sheer publicity of separating. None of this plays out in private. Everyone gets a front row seat to the most traumatic event of your life. Everyone.
I was in my late 40s when we separated. I thought our marriage had ‘made it’. It turns out I was wrong.
It also turns out that I was not alone in finding myself at the end of my marriage in midlife. The rate of so called ‘grey divorce’ is on the rise, worldwide.
In the 1980s and 1990s, Australians over the age of 50 made up a fifth of all divorces. By 2021, Australian couples who had been married for 20 years or more made up more than a quarter of all divorces. By 2023, despite overall divorce rates in Australia declining, the upward trend in separation in the over-50s demographic continued – with one in three married couples older than 50 years of age choosing to divorce.
The trend is similar in America – in 1970 about 8 per cent of Americans who divorced were aged 50 and older. By 2019, that share had jumped to 36 per cent.
Relationship breakdown
The Love After 50 Report 2023, prepared by Australian Seniors after surveying 1240 Australians aged over 50, provides an interesting insight into relationship trends in the over-50s demographic, such as:
- 41 per cent of over-50 year olds have gone through a divorce or separation. The primary factors contributing to the breakdown of their marriage were empty nest syndrome and the change of dynamics once the kids move out (48 per cent); increased financial pressures straining relationships (35 per cent); retirement adjustments (34 per cent); removal of the stigma of divorce (34 per cent); increased expectations of marriage (30 per cent); and greater financial independence (25 per cent).
- 37 per cent of married over-50s have questioned whether to continue their relationship, while a quarter have seriously considered separating or getting divorced. This percentage is higher among those aged 50–59 (32 per cent) compared to those aged 70 and above (15 per cent).
- The primary challenges faced by over-50s in their relationships include changes in sexual health, appetite, or intimacy (32 per cent); physical health, ageing or caregiving responsibilities (28 per cent); and financial difficulties (20 per cent).
- Four out of five over-50s who are in a relationship are satisfied with their current relationship, but only 50 per cent of these are very satisfied. The primary drivers for their satisfaction are trust and loyalty (77 per cent); mutual respect (71 per cent); open, honest, respectful communication (66 per cent); sense of humour (60 per cent); and emotional support/intelligence (58 per cent).
- Conversely, dissatisfaction in a current relationship was primarily driven by poor communication (36 per cent); emotional needs being unmet or feeling unappreciated (33 per cent); and financial stress (32 per cent).
- When it comes to those who have moved from marriage into singledom, 57 per cent enjoy being single after the age of 50. Although the fear of loneliness (61 per cent) and ageing without a partner’s support (55 per cent) are fears singles experience, more than half of single seniors are more than content to trade off these fears in order to keep enjoying the benefits of additional personal space (73 per cent); greater independence (72 per cent) and a desire for peace and quiet (63 per cent).
- Only 23 per cent of singles over 50 are looking to find a committed relationship after divorce or separation, but not marriage – with only 1 in 20 being prepared to consider remarrying after having separated in later life.
Are you a grey divorcee? What has your experience been? Why not share your experience in the comments section below?
Also read: How to manage your finances during a divorce in your 60s
I was in my late 50’s when I divorced. I went on to have the best 15 years of my life before illness slowed me down – the second best period of my life were the years in my 20’s before marriage so the hard truth is I was never ‘happily married’. Our children were reaching independence, I had taken early retirement and was prepared to stay in the marriage and work on it, but my husband (now ex) showed nothing but disdain for me, mocking me in front on our children, telling people he had married an older woman (I was a year older than him), saying I didn’t know anything and ‘needed my head read’ …. He would disappear overseas without saying why, and I found out later he was chasing a woman who lived in his country of birth. So I asked for a separation and he immediately said we would divorce. Disrespect kills a marriage, it blew mine up. For anyone who is dealing with this kind of behaviour, please know there is happiness and even joy to find if you decide to leave.
Fantastic, feel same, wrote an explanation too, but site swallowed it up! I have been so happy at 74!
My wife divorced me after 35 years of marriage 2 years ago, I was the sole provider, house paid for, kids grown up and left the home, I walked home one evening and she said it’s over.
Cut you like a hot blade, by the grace of God I have restarted my life, and it seems that I have gained more than that I lost..
Faith prevailed at the end..