What does it mean to be a good father?

It was Father’s Day recently and I, like many, have mixed feelings about the day.

The artificiality of it, the commercialisation, the happiness for many but then the sadness the day brings to many who are either estranged from their children or whose fathers are dead. And, of course, underlying all of this is a question of definition. 

When I was young, a special day delegated to Father’s Day barely existed, or at least I have no memory of it.

My own father died relatively young, in his late 50s, a victim of lung cancer brought about through smoking as a soldier in WWII.

He had fought in Papua New Guinea and was on the Kokoda Trail, but rarely mentioned it, an experience buried deep in his psyche, never to be accessed. No doubt he was like countless millions of men, battling PTSD.

After the war is over

But was he a good father? Probably not, too absorbed in his own addictions and sadness. He was, however, representative of that generation who were sent to war and came back damaged.

The post-war society wanted to forget their trauma and cast these broken young men back into the mould of breadwinner and upright citizens. They bumbled through their roles, some more successful than others.

Fortunately, the last few generations have not had to succumb to war and deprivation, at least here in Australia. There are a multitude of self-help parenting books, classes to go to and role models to emulate to help young people navigate the parent role. 

What does it mean to be a good father? Certainly, many men are grappling with what it means to be masculine, a father and a partner in today’s more than gender fluid and role fluid environment. Many of the past role models are outdated or outright condemned by the present generation. It can be all rather vexing.

And a good parent? We have all grappled with this idea and probably some of us have felt that at times we did a poor job of it, and then at other times we felt that we had managed well. Even though it is probably the most important role that we will ever do in our life, we are often unprepared for the challenges that it throws our way. There is no absolute rule book. I felt that I only really grew up when I had children, when I had to put someone’s welfare and needs ahead of my own.

The next generation

For nearly 20 years, the focus is on the child, the protection, the nurturing, the going out of our way to help them grow and mature. Then they leave the nest and fly away, as they should. Some of us feel that empty nest syndrome, others perhaps rub their hands with glee at the return of space and time for themselves. 

Then grandparenting duties can arise and again some parents greet this with delight and others set very strict boundaries, unprepared to be the unpaid help and raise the next generation. All of us manoeuvre this journey in our own way. But then quietly over time the roles are reversed. We begin to need our children more than they need us. They are absorbed in their lives and work demands and children.

There is now the problem that we are living too long, perhaps becoming a burden on our children. I just hope my children choose a nice nursing home for me.

What sort of relationship did you have with your dad? Why not share your experience in the comments section below?

Also read: The case for cussing