This is not an article on sex tips. This is not going be advice on how to spice up your love life or change yourself in order to be better-liked. But hopefully, this article will help you feel better about yourself and improve your connection with your partner, family, friends and colleagues.
Most of us want to be well-liked and considered attractive. Philosophers of the self say that our identity is a combination of how we see ourselves in private, and how we think others see us. It’s easy to see how these two things loop back into each other.
The problem is that often it’s too heavily weighted on one side. Many of us fall into the trap of only allowing ourselves to feel beautiful/handsome/attractive if someone else – family, friends, society – tell us we are. Many of us struggle with feelings of dissatisfaction with our appearance and achievements. And more, we worry about reaching a certain age and having others judge our attractiveness and capability against an unfair youth-focused yardstick. How you feel about yourself plays a huge part in how fulfilled you feel in life.
But external validation isn’t going to give you lasting, sexy self-confidence. That needs to come from you first. But how do you even start to change the old mindset of ‘I’m not ______ enough’ and start backing yourself? Well, it’s about being compassionate to yourself, which takes a lot of mental work, but it is possible!
How to let go of your need for approval and validation:
Do you worry about what people will think when you say and do things?
Worrying about how others think of us changes the way we act and talk about ourselves. It’s common for people lacking in self-belief to alter their behaviour to please others. Building a foundation of self-acceptance will allow you to make decisions and take action on things that feel right for you.. When you’re comfortable with yourself, you won’t worry whether your looks or actions are being judged.
Try keeping a self-appreciation journal, in which you acknowledge what you like about yourself or things you are proud of doing. Suddenly, when you see yourself represented in affirmations, you’ll develop a stronger opinion of yourself. People with good opinions of themselves generally feel more comfortable and attractive. This positivity has an effect on how others gravitate towards you.
The key is that it has to feel genuine. You need to really believe that you are a sexy, capable beast, or else you are just acting. I know a young woman who says that on mornings when she feels less than, she makes an effort not to crumple to the thought. In fact, she physically resists it by forcing herself out of bed, putting her hands on her hips in a wide-legged power stance and stretching. It might seem dramatic, but she says it allows her to feel her own power and energy flow through her body, giving her confidence to start her day.
So, next time you’re feeling low in confidence, try being more compassionate with yourself, and maybe try a power stance or two!
Related articles:
Mind what you think
Do you know your personal style?
Sex secrets of long-term couples
