Most of us who have travelled often will have a horror story about an awful hotel. There’s the one that has cockroaches; the one with the less-than-optimal plumbing; or the one whose pinkish chicken curry makes passable plumbing a necessity.
But if there’s one thing worse than hotels, it’s the people who stay in them, and there are just as many anecdotes about guests as there are about establishments.
Here’s a checklist of no-go behaviours to make sure you don’t become someone’s cautionary tale.
1. Complaining about things no-one can control
“Wouldn’t it be lovely to have a sea view, and can’t we stop the gulls from being so loud, and the sun really does rise awfully early.”
Oh, okay. I’ll tell the sun to rise on cue, teach the gulls the virtue of silence, and rotate the hotel 180 degrees.
2. Causing a ruckus
Hotel guests live cheek by jowl with their peers – almost all of whom will blame the establishment for everything you do. Starting an uproar is anti-social anyway, more so when the staff will have to make your apologies.
Honourable mentions go to hallway hellraisers, lift arguers, and the loudly amorous.
3. Not wearing enough clothes
We know, hotels claim to be your ‘home away from home’, but you know full well they don’t mean that literally. No, it’s not okay to walk the hallways barefoot, or help yourself to the breakfast buffet in swimwear.
Please, at least, put some pants on before you answer your door.
4. Treating check-in times as mere suggestions
Hotels are professional businesses. We’re guessing you wouldn’t expect a meeting room at work to be ready four hours early.
5. Using the phrase: “I’ve paid for this room!”
Brand new information.
6. Clicking your fingers for service
If you do this – in fact if you have ever done this – you are going to hotel guest hell. It’s not 1850.
7. Stealing all the freebies
We see you there, cramming your bags with complimentary toiletries, slyly slipping the salt sachets into your sleeve, stuffing your inside pockets with stationery.
If we catch you sneaking off with a bathrobe, we’re calling the police.
8. Not owning up when you break something
It’s okay if you break a cup – it happens to everyone and 99 per cent of the time you won’t be charged.
It’s not okay if you keep your trap shut and the cleaner gets glass in their foot.
9. Complaining about the service in a really rude way
How can nobody see the irony in this? If you storm down to reception with clenched fists and bared teeth because room service didn’t smile at you for long enough, your hosts would be well-advised to present you with a very large mirror.
Mind your manners, or the moral high ground will recede into a speck on the horizon.
10. Pretending you didn’t know the mini fridge cost extra
There’s a price list on the inside door. This is schoolboy-level lying.
11. Ordering things that aren’t on the menu
No, we don’t have steak tartare in a tarragon infused Bearnaise sauce. If we did, it would probably be on the menu.
12. Outstaying your welcome at the hotel bar
Bars can kick you out and most restaurants close by 11pm, but the hotel lobby drinker will be getting on your nerves till they drop.
13. Hitting on hotel staff
Hotel staff rank alongside flight attendants, barmaids, shop assistants, and random people in the street, on the list of people who definitely don’t want to give you their number.
14. Reserving, and then not using a sunbed
This may be the worst thing you can do not just in a hotel, but in the annals of human history.
Sunbed competition is swift and merciless, so if a sunbed is towelled but unoccupied for any length of time then people will notice. Eventually, some brave soul will have a moment of moral purpose, stride over to the vacant lot and deposit themselves upon it.
If you do show up hours later, you’ll probably bring shouting and self-righteous remonstrating. The shame will come later when you’ve had a chance to think about what you’ve done.
15. Just generally being dreadful
Some people cross the carpeted threshold of a hotel and transform in an instant into obnoxious, self-aggrandising, domineering divas.
Just don’t be one of those people. Choose reason. Choose manners.
Do you have any hotel horror stories?
– With PA
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