What I hate about flying

Warning – this is a rant.  

So, there I was, having a cup of tea with my dad and he was complaining – in detail – about the rubbish collection from the cafe across the road. 

It is sporadic. It is noisy. Often it occurs at 4am. The bins are left on the road, or worse – wheeled over to his side of the road and left in front of his house. Last week, there was a trail of eight bins lined up next to his fence. I know this because he took a photo – which he showed me. 

The conversation became increasingly and enjoyably one of criticism. Of course, I endorsed his annoyance as being most reasonable and then upped the ante by sharing some complaints of my own about rubbish, rubbish collection, the local council and so on and so forth.

We bantered and complained for some time. 

The conversation morphed from bins to other areas of complaint in our lives – we were on a roll – the cost of living, the intermittency of the local broadband network, the ice cold chill of this winter. We were having a lovely time as we aired all of our grievances. But then we hit the absolute jackpot, as nothing – NOTHING – in our cathartic session of criticism matched our disdain for airline travel.  

I travel regularly for work and as often as possible for fun, and airline travel – whilst a great means to an end – is often a major irritant. 

My dad has travelled on a plane once in the past six years – but this did not stop him engaging in an impassioned discussion on everything that is wrong with the airline industry. After all, you don’t have to be a rubbish collector to know rubbish, and you don’t have to be a frequent flyer to have an opinion on how airline travel can be better. 

We were eloquent, passionate and convincing in all of the things about airline travel that we abhor. We firmly agreed with all of our own opinions and finished our cups of tea with a solid list of our top five travel gripes – in no particular order:

Getting through security 

You arrive at the airport, ready for your flight. You are efficient and in full airport mode – your laptop is out of your carry-on and ready to put in a separate bin, your shoes are off, your belt is off, your pockets are empty – you have this down to a damn fine art. But there he/she is – in front of the queue – the person who has seemingly never flown before and has absolutely no idea how to navigate airport security. 

How is it that this person has four bags more than the carry-on allowance? How is it that they have packed spray-on deodorant that they now cannot find? How is it that they do not know that you cannot carry on to a plane items such as scissors and knives and – on one memorable occasion for me – the guy who held up the line complaining that he had to relinquish the compass he had packed. The compass with a very stabby, pointy end. What was he going to do on the plane? Maths? 

Plane delays and cancellations

Is it just me or have airlines been cancelling or bumping flights more often since COVID? No – it’s not just me. The BITRE airline on-time performance statistics for 2023 recorded that on-time performance over all routes operated by Jetstar, Qantas, QantasLink, Rex Airlines, Skytrans, Virgin Australia, Virgin Australia Regional Airlines and Bonza averaged just 70.6 per cent for on-time arrivals and 71.0 per cent for on-time departures. That essentially means that 30 per cent of all flights operated by these airlines depart and arrive late. 

Having finally made it through security, the next big question is – will your flight leave on time? Will it be cancelled? Will you be bumped from your booked and paid for seat because the airline has overbooked the plane? 

You have a one in three chance of not leaving A and not getting to B on time.

Boarding

With luck – the plane is at the gate and is almost ready for boarding. 

And yet – why is there a very large number of passengers milling around the door in a big pack, ready to be the very first people on the plane when boarding is announced?

We are all on the same plane here, folks. It’s not like you need to be standing at the very front to secure the best seat. We have all checked in. We all have an allocated seat. The plane is not leaving without you.

Seriously – sit down, take a load off.

And why is it that boarding is a general free-for-all – regardless of whether you are in row one in an aisle seat or row 50 in a window seat? Airlines seem to love the whole – let’s just roll the dice and let passengers board as desired. Within minutes of boarding commencing, there is a ridiculous amount of congestion in the plane aisle as a passenger from row 10 holds up 200 other passengers sitting from row 11 onwards as he/she unpacks what they need from their bag, throws their book across the two passengers already sitting in row 10, hoists their bag into the overhead luggage bin, then gets it back down again to find their glasses, and puts it back again. Then they get the two people already sitting in row 10 to exit their seats and further clog up an already clogged aisle so they can access their window seat.

This is then repeated 200 times for each and every other passenger.

Surely there is a more logical way to board a plane? The good news is that there is – maximising boarding has actually been the subject of scientific examination. There is the Steffen boarding method, which provides that – starting from the back of the plane – passengers with even-numbered window seats should board first, followed by those with an odd-numbered window seat, followed by those with an even-numbered middle seat, and so on. According to simulations, this approach is twice as fast as a front-to-back boarding strategy and 30 per cent faster than random boarding.

Another option is the WILMA method of loading – using a windows-middle-aisle approach. Unfortunately, while these methods are scientifically proven to be a more efficient way of boarding, they do not work. Why? Because passengers don’t follow the rules.

Check-in luggage

Okay, you are on the plane. Boarding was bedlam – a virtual contact sport with absolutely no rhyme or reason – but you are on! The plane is kind of on time, you can see your seat, and all you need to do now is stow your carry-on luggage in the overhead bin and take your seat.

But, alas, the bin is full. Despite this being the luggage bin DIRECTLY over your allocated seat, there appear to be 1000 oversized bags with wheels pointing into your face, a couple of backpacks, an obligatory cardboard tray of donuts – because you apparently cannot buy donuts at your destination – and not enough room for a satchel – your satchel.

And so you hold up the 200 passengers behind you while looking around desperately for a spare bin, knowing that even if you find space, you are essentially stealing someone else’s allocated luggage bin DIRECTLY over their seat, and so just transferring your problem to someone else.

This one is simple people – you are generally allowed 7kg of carry-on for domestic flights in Australia – stick to it. If you have more weight or a bulky bag or more than one carry-on bag plus a small item such as a handbag, then CHECK IT IN.

Seat recliners

You are finally seated. Your 7kg (or less) of authorised and airline approved luggage has been squished in somewhere by an ever patient flight attendant. You have your book or your laptop, your headphones are plugged in, you are ready to do a little work or enjoy a little reading and … the person in front of you FULLY RECLINES their seat into your lap.

Come on people.

What are your favourite flying gripes? Why not share your thoughts in the comments section below?

Also read: How to be a better passenger, from a flight attendant